Seriously why the fuck do you always have to ruin everything??
I wish we didn't have to fight so much.
&I wish you didn't have to fucking lie most of the time.
I wish YOU would just get out of my life sometimes.
You're the reason why I'm so insecure right now.
I wish you could make up your damn mind.
I wish you REALLY knew what love is but you don't.
I wish you could understand what a REAL heartbreak is.
I wish you could just stop ruining every chance you get over something so pitiful.
I wish I knew how to trust you but I know damn well with all my heart that I can't and I never will.
I wish you could teach me how to love and be happy more than to hate, mistrust, or get depressed.
I know a lot of couples have problems but my sister is oblivious to hers and sure, what she doesn't know won't hurt her but she'll be living her life in a lie.
I wish you would just stop hurting me.
God if you fucking hated me that much why won't you just get rid of me, seriously.
Save me the fucking heartbreak.
I wish you didn't have to break my heart the way Alec did.
I remember the first time you asked me out you even promised you wouldn't.
And I can't help but feel even sadder every time you're around me.
I wish I didn't have to be so miserable with you because I know for a fact that I am.

If this what love is...then I don't want to be in it.


I wish I wasn't so unhappy.

    I didn't really lose him as much as God forbid, I could but school had finally started on the 5th of September. I was almost way too excited to go while everyone else wasn't. Hey, I'm finally a Senior, what can go wrong? Well when I got there, most of my classes weren't what I wanted and I really haven't been doing as good as I thought I was. So I'm going to get a local diploma at the rate that I'm in and with just enough to get into a 2 year community college and transfer to a 4 year college. I haven't really prepared myself too much unfortunately due to my lack of planning skills.
    Well anyway it wasn't too bad for a while, I usually don't go through all the hassle of trying to change or fix my schedule, in case that I wouldn't get the outcome that I had truly wanted. At least I have one class I will probably enjoy, Journalism. Other than that most of my classes are basic and boring. Everyday I can't wait until the minute hand touches 43 as soon as it turns 2 during the end of the day. I absolutely can't wait to get home and sulk in my stupidity. I'll get over it. On the other hand, something happened too...totally unexpected. I happen to have my ex in about 2 classes, gym and my first period study hall. I'm not at all that disappointed even though I seemed to be. On the inside I was pretty much bouncing with joy. I was so excited to have him...it'd be easier to talk to him in a way.
    I know I already have a boyfriend, if I haven't mentioned at all (I don't really want to bother checking my previous posts at the moment), Angel. But he doesn't quite fulfill the things that my ex has and still has. My heart doesn't beat for him in fear, excitement, anger, and happiness at the same time as it would for the other. Hopefully I'll get over this mess and not do anything that I might regret later. I don't think I'd regret much considering I will try my hardest to do the right thing but anything can happen.
    Considering that all this had happened in 2 days, not to mention that when my ex came in my first period class on day two he mouthed the words "hey" to me, it's still quite the year. Hopefully it won't be as bad as I've recently expected it to be.

    Oh yeah and tomorrow is my birthday party!!! My birthday was on the 4th of September and tomorrow will also be my 6 month anniversary with Angel. You see, I really don't want to ruin any of that at all with my current boyfriend.
    There's just this uncontrollable feeling inside of me when I see my ex though, he was my first everything. I don't think the feeling will ever change. But it's natural right?.........................Right?




    CANOLI'S!

    Some are sad, some are happy, some are angry and some are IDK what you'd like to call it but the place I put my poems didn't work for a while and I don't really want that to ever happen again, so if it does, I'll have this as a replacement:
Live Life Even If You Fake It
 

She runs off away as far as she can. Maybe if she ends her life now it won't be so bad. Take the easy way out her mind screams. So she can finally forever rest in piece. Silly little girl knows nothing about misery. But he just wonders what made her feel that way. She starts to spill her heart's tears. To cure herself from past years. He listens to every word she says. And that's how he offered to be her friend. So sad, so sad poor girl. What ever made her hate this world? He holds her close to heal her pain. He knows he won't be able to keep her sane. Heart gone and tears unable to flow. He knows her heart was too good to throw. Because the lover betrayed her so bad. Now this boy knows why she's so sad. Then sunshine falls down on his world. When a smile finally comes to this girl. A large sigh follows later then. Time to fake life all over again.

I Know He Loves Me
 

There goes that look again. He stares at me for more than 60 seconds. And oh, the sparkle in his eyes. I can tell that the stars are jealous. He takes my hand with passion. Because it's like holding his heart. He tries to ease the fear inside. The fear of us ever being apart. So he starts to speak. But oh, his voice is like a song. Flowing through my veins. Straight to my heart. He leans in for that kiss. Never wanting it to end. As if I would be gone tomorrow. And never see him again. I know he loves me. I don't even need to ask. Because I know he wouldn't leave. Without coming back. <3

Only Me.
 

Sick and tired of everything around. Hope in only myself I know I've found. There's nothing left for me to try. No tears left in me to cry. I'll smile like I've known no hurt. Even though it's always the worst. When no one around you knows you die. Heart dead and empty inside. A broken smile fools everyone so well. It's the blank stare they can never tell. My world seems so unreal. Like I'm actually not really here. But I guess there's a time to come. To make room for another one. Try and lie to me again and again. To make me realize it's only ME in the end.

Passion Of A Rose
 

Taint the petal of a rose. And kiss it's sharp thorn. Love the beautiful site. Of a new beauty born. It's deep crimson color. Lovelier than blood exposed. The deep green leaves. Still hug the beautiful rose. Cut the ones who touch it. For it protects its own soul. The thorn remains poison. &The enemy pays the toll. So wither away passion. As the petals begin to fall. One by one it dies. Until there's nothing at all. But leaves it's tasteful seed. To blossom another new. Passion remains passionate. Bloom so beautifully soon.

Daydream On A Sunday
 

Wearing his clothes on a Sunday. &She's daydreaming her life away. Ontop of the rock on which they once lay. The thoughts over&over in her head replayed. She runs her fingers through her long dark hair. Humming to songs they both shared. Staring up into the sunlight streams. Reliving her wonderous playful dreams. Peak through the trees they continue to glow. Interupting the rays birds wings continue to flow. Chirp chirp chirp their song they sing. Soft music to complete her thoughts they bring. She rolls onto her side with a pen in her hand. Feeling as though she's brought to a new land. In a world where she can feel serene. Where he's always going to show up in that dream. She writes down her imaginary world. Big big thoughts come to this precious girl. So he comes from behind to kiss her on the cheek. Stopped in her tracks their eyes meet.

Do You Know?
 

Maybe you're on my thoughts. Already now that you held me. But I need to know one thing. Could you make me happy? I know I could make it on my own. But I need to know one thing. If everything you say to me is true. Do you really wanna be my only? Sometimes I hold back. Because I'm afraid this could be wrong. But it feels so right. And that feelings too strong. So do you plan on playing with me? Just so you can impress. Boy I don't think you understand. Is there a heart under that mess?

Let Me Go.
 

Your grip so tight it frightens me so. I'm begging you please, let go, let go. Cause and effect, the more you choke my heart. The more I feel like I'm being torn apart. Do you think you make me happy? Well, I am very far from laughing. Your grip so tight it frightens me so. I'm begging you please, let go, let go. Why do you love me so much when it was all a game? Now that you give me a false touch it's not the same. You hurt me, you lied to me, you killed me. You tortured me, never thought of me, so LET ME BE FREE. Now that I finally found someone better than you. You want me back but we're through....we're through. Your grip so tight it frightened me so. I slipped away and far from you I'll go. It's time to let go.

Confusion
 

Whenever I see you. I see what I made. I feel your touch. & Wish you could've stayed. Since my memories are all I have. I see your face in my mind. You used to scare me but kept me safe. It hurts to not know why it all died. I still understand your feelings. At the same time confused with your signs. I wish sometimes you'd give me a straight answer. If we're either dead or alive. Others have tried to conquer me since you left. But I stay distant from them from fear of the broken heart. Because the one you gave me last. Have stitches on whatever tore apart. So don't leave me alone. With all I have to bear in my life. Because I know you still feel something. From the first time you stood by my side.

A Night Under The Stars
 

She closes her eyes for a minute to think To let the moon and stars to sink.  Where his heart and hers, a connection was born. From the day they met to the times their torn. One had to leave and the other left behind. Step forward girl, there's not enough time. She lifted her hand forward to pull his hand back. Screams in her head but she whispers under her breath. 'Won't you stay for a minute?' she kindly asks. He turns his head, answers with a smile, 'I'd like that.' Spent under the moonlight after a dinner and some drinks Her head's on his shoulder allowing the moment to sink. His heart beat gently takes in the rhythm of love. Eyes following where she's viewing the stars above. He whispers quietly nuzzling his nose against her ear. Tells her, 'I love you so much, I always need you near.' Her soft brown eyes lock with his when a smile crosses her face. 'I love you too. I don't regret coming back to this place.' They both knew it was true by the way they felt. A passionate love, never ending, for a heart to melt. She holds his hand tightly as they rock side to side in silence. Knowing even speaking wouldn't make a difference. In a small hammock in the backyard of his house both were bound. The love they had longed for so long in each other were found.

Dream Of Me
 

Let my lips touch your skin. My breath sending chills up your spine. Waves of pleasure from within your body. You're just about to lose your mind. My sweet soft kisses trail up your chest. You tend to think about me all the time. By the sudden peak of light you wake up sweating. Figures your heart is still mine.

    It's been a while, I truly apologize for not updating in the longest time. Recently things have been going well, I'll admit they're better than expected. My sister's sweet 16 came into part this weekend and everyone had a great time, I'm pretty sure. It was a perfect night! Not only did we all dance and have fun, some people were twisted and acted stupid enough to catch on video!! Well me and my boyfriend had spent all night talking and being together dancing to the wonderful songs.
   Even though we had a couple of fights but we dealt with it, he's sooo weird sometimes lol. I think I may have gotten over my ex. After being so stuck on him for so long. I don't think I could ever forget him...no matter how mad I am at him. He'll always be the sweetest good guy in my heart. I couldn't see him as anything else. So well onto my life now, I think it's been time to let go, I just hadn't had the guts to do it yet...I don't really still now but I'm trying a lot harder, apparently.
    The party was good and this weekend was good, what more to say? Oh yeahhh! The sleep over, apparently my new word came to everyone, we all had a sleep overing haha at my tent in the back. We didn't really fall asleep considering Andrew and Bianca kept talking so we only had 2 hours of at least some rest. And then we went to Walmart in our pajamas lmao. I fell asleep by the camera things on that thing that holds the items an stuff, I just layed down and slept, I was sooo dead.
    But it was really fun, I hope I get to do it again<3

    Heyyy, sorry for the lack of update guys. Well I just finished my job today. I was working as a teacher's aid in a Summer school program for teachers but I felt like it was mostly just for the kids ha. Well anyway today I think was the saddest day of my life. I never thought I'd love kids this much. I usually tell everyone else that I don't like them and that I don't want any.
    But they call me mom and they always love my company, it's always really great to have them by my side and be protective and sweet. They remind me of when I was younger and how great it was being little and not knowing anything yet. But I told them not to rush themselves & that there's enough time to live.
    One of the little kids are my favorite, his name's Joshua, adorable little tyke. He's always excited to see me and is the one that mostly protects me and listens to what I say when I tell him. And he's just plain out adorable. He'll always be my favorite from now on. And my wonderful girls Deidja, Giselle, and Chasity. They were such a pleasure to have met and kept close to my heart.
    It was the cutest and best thing I've ever experienced and I'm hoping I could do the same next year.
    But here are some quotes taken from my wholeee time being here:


"Boys are yucky!"

"You're an UGLY face!!"

"You're TEN??"

"You look like a grandma!"

"Martha went on that trip? I wish you would go on that trip and Martha stay here."
-Favoriteee lmfao.

"You look like Vanessa Hudgens."(To me)

"Don't touch her! She's mine."

"She's my mommy."

"You owe me 20 dollars!"

"JINX you owe me a soda!"

*Juan seperates everyone and says, "LET HER BREATHE".*


"Nazir thinks you're pretty."(To me)

"And I said if she's your girlfriend, you better treat her like a PRINCESS, like a QUEEN." (Mrs. Fernandez about Angel to me <333)

"You have a boyfriend? *Sad face*"

"Marthaaaa!!!!!!"
-My all time favorite.

Me: Ooh a pop up book, lemme read it.
*Starts reading*
All the kids: SHH SILENCE! She's reading.

*All the kids bring books to me in one huge pile.*
Me: Uhh....

"Martha! Are you coming to gym today?"

"I wanna sit next to you on the bus today!!"

*Angel sitting next to me*
"I wanna sit next to you Marthaa....but he WON'T GET UP!"

Ewww don't kiss! Angel you can't kiss her.
*Puts little hand in between our faces.*

"You're gonna get married!"

Me: So what's your favorite thing about Summer school?
Joshua: Meeting you, yeah!
(THE cutest thing I've ever heard!)
Me: Haha, uhh what about the barbeque?
Joshua: Yeah YEAH! That too.

At the last 7 minutes of school ending I get to class.
Everyone comes running to the doorway where I'm standing to give me a big hug.

"I don't know why but I think this will be the last time I'll ever get to see you!"
*Joshua puts sad face*

    Last night, my bittersweet surprise came to show. I went to the early movies with Jessie & Byron to watch Chuck & Larry. So not thinking that anyone I'd know would be there, I sat all the way in the front with them. To my surprise, a couple of minutes sooner, Alec had shown up and sat in the row in front of us. I was shocked. For some reason my heart started to beat really fast and I felt like I was shaking or trembling. I saw him lean over to get into his seat and I shut my eyes really quick to see if it was really him or I was just simply hallucinating not that seeing him at the movie theaters is strange, just seeing him in front of me was. I looked at him again and I couldn't help but feel his presence by me. In front of me, no less. I wanted to say hello so badly but then I kept thinking it was a bad idea. Finally, I coughed his name. He turned around and sort of winced at me. Very unenthusiastically in fact. I hated that but I smiled it off anyway.
    He saw who I was with and it really wasn't that big of a deal anymore. Then I went ahead and just kept finishing the movie. It wasn't that big of a deal after a while anymore but certain feelings just rushed to me and I really wanted to leave.
    So then when the movie was over, I decided we'd all leave together and soon. I didn't say bye to him, which I completely regret but I guess it's better to leave with words unsaid. I couldn't help it. I seriously thought if I had said bye to him, that I'd give him a hug or do something dumb so I didn't. Instead I kept walking. Pretending like nothing had ever happened, like I'd never said hi to him and that we'd never spoken for those 5 seconds.
    I felt really sad when I left the theaters, in a way I wish I could've just spent more time talking to him, as friends because that's all we can ever be. I'm taken and I wouldn't leave Angel for the world. I wish I could've just change my whole life though. If I hadn't made the decisions I made, I still wonder what could've happened between us or if anything would. But then I felt I'd think the same way about me and Angel.
    I keep thinking to myself that I'll always love Alec the way I did when we first met. When I never admitted it and when I kept denying it. As I still do now. But it's over now, we're nothing but certain strangers that exchange words. Like shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they're gone.
    Maybe if I leave it alone and walk away, we'll both feel better. He'll be happier without me and I don't think he really needs me at all. So I'll just continue on my way as I've always done. And he'll go his own way, the way I think he wants it. No matter how strong my feelings are for him, they'll never be expressed. I don't think I or he could allow that. And no matter how many tears stream down my flushed cheeks with unspoken thoughts trapped behind my shut lips or how many nights I think of how broken my heart still is, I'll just live life that way. It's not that big of a deal anyway.
    So with all those unsent letters I've written to him and kept somewhere far away. I'll just keep him in my thoughts and in my heart. Where no one could do anything about it and where he'll be safely kept. I know it sounds crazy or stupid because it may seem like it's not love but I just learned to always take a leap of faith and I've always taken that leap. Away unfortunately. So yeah...
    I just remember my heart pouring it's tears in silence behind that smile I kept. But I won't say I'm not somewhat happy. I'm okay, I guess. No matter what happens, I'll be okay. Even if he never thinks about me. Like a person once told me, "You'll never forget the first person you loved." God knows how hard I've tried to forget...everything. But I've learned to accept it and move on. So no matter how much I miss him, I won't ask for him back or even give an effort. We'll just live on like this, pretend like we never knew each others names and turn around to keep walking on. This has got to be one of the best and the worst ideas I've ever had.
    But I feel better now saying this...it's my own little closure.

    In case most of you idiotic morons decide to take authority into inserting your opinion here. Know that it'll be deleted because I won't reply back to your comment =] I  just think you're an idiot and I have absolutely no time for you. But feel at least a little special that I at least made a nice pretty paragraph about your stupid ass! I mean you obviously have no balls to write your real name so why should I care? Ha. You're absolutely funny. Maybe you spent too much time on the computer and need to go to school once in a while and learn something.
    Have fun. I mean keep coming here, I'd love to see more of your unintelligent thoughts. And you're only raising my hits. So a word of advice, make your own blog, and write about how you wanna cut yourself & such and get off mine =] Maybe you'll learn a thing or two about ...anything. Thannnnks!

    So yesterday I spent most of my day in the car on our way to Newark Airport to pick up my grandma. She had come all the way from Guatemala to spend a couple of months here and to actually see the first Sweet 16 of her two granddaughters in America. Basically she's vacationing here, lucky for her. There's not too much good things going on in Guatemala. I would rather stay here than go to where they live. I'm terrified of that place.
    I just don't know what will happen, it's unpredictable. There's also no strict sense of authority. So whatever happens, happens and there's nothing we can do about it. Well on the ride there we were having a lot of fun and talking and stuff. I just remember acting a little too hyper. Not just normal hyper. I probably OD'd on that. Maybe it's because I was nervous, or maybe I didn't have anything to eat. Who knows? I just know that we just acted hyper in the car and outside of the car. Well we stopped by Jersey Gardens mall and that's where everyone decided to stay for a little while. Then finally we all went to this store where Angel got me really pissed.
    Okay, I believe I can be very fashionable. And yesterday I've been getting pissed off all day. Just because people wouldn't fucking shut their mouths. I wish...I didn't feel like shit. Otherwise I wouldn't have been getting pissed off.
    Recently, this whole week. I've been having weird dreams and I've also been feeling so...ugly. I feel disgusting on the inside AND on the outside. I feel like I hate myself. I don't understand why. I haven't hated myself for the longest time and I hate myself the same way I did when I was fat. But this time I'm not fat. I just feel ugly.
    Like I really try hard not to show how upset I really am on the outside but I've been dying, torn, and empty on the inside. Sometimes I hate myself, with a passion.

    There's not a day that goes by where I haven't cried. I feel so lost and so alone. I've never felt this upset for a while in my life, not to mention that it's going to be that time of the month soon. Last night was the most loneliest nights of my life. Even if there was a party. Last night was Olga's party and I was excited in the morning, I couldn't sleep. I felt like nothing could go wrong today. Then I found out some people couldn't come and this was in the most twisted way where all of this happened.
    One couldn't go so that meant the other one can't on account of how they don't want the other to get the satisfaction of going. But one of them actually just grabbed their stuff and came to the party anyway.
    I was upset...I really wanted my boyfriend to come but whatever. It's nothing now. I don't care anymore. I don't miss him at all. It doesn't bother me who's gone and who's not anymore, I don't fucking care. I have no friends and no life. The only person I'm watching out for are people who I don't even know and myself. Everyone has in their own little twisted way hurt me so much that I can't even take it anymore. No one wants to hurt me...but I realize that they always do.
    I felt so lonely last night. Like I didn't have anyone. I couldn't stop feeling so down. I mean what's the use? Most of my friends aren't even there for me. All of them don't even know why I'm really upset and not one of them would be able to help me anyway. I don't want them to. I really don't. I hate it when other people attention seek, it doesn't mean that I can go ahead and spill out my heart's tears anyway.
    So simply...I smiled and said, "Nothing". I never felt like everything had gone so wrong since last year. I feel like every single time I say something no one is listening or no one cares. It's like everything I say has to be funny because I love to make people laugh but when it comes to my life, I can't talk.
    I can always demand and stuff but when it comes to what's going on in my life...I just don't think anyone could pay attention. There's not one night that I haven't stayed awake lost in thought with tears streaming down my face. I mean I just really feel so alone. Like everyone can be with me and everyone can start talking to me but I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me.
    So I guess I'll just have to make myself better, again. As I've always done. Because well...it's different now, I have nothing to hold me up except me now. I don't think I can trust anyone to do me...just one little favor. And that's to just...promise to be there for me and treat me right. And no one's done that. Mhmm...& I'm on my own.

    And I've realized...the only reason I'm so bitter towards men was because out of my whole entire life of being alone, I felt happy for once...and to have that taken away from me hurts so bad. I just didn't know how to take that. I can't talk to anyone but this pathetic piece of online diary. And I'll just keep going on. I'm sure I'll be better in a couple of minutes...eventually at least.

    I remember talking about my past...and I don't know if she could see me...but I just felt like breaking down as I kept smiling about what happened and everything that went on. My lips were quivering and I kept forcing a smile...I felt the tears coming on but I forced them back. No one understands the type of hurt I went through.

    So maybe I believe in love and I don't believe everyone gets it. Okay so recently a couple of days ago, on Sunday I suppose, I went bike riding with my best friend, Denisse. We went all around South Fallsburg, of course we were bored, there's nothing better to do while everyone else was practicing so I decided to take her to the route that I usually go to.
    Well anyway we went all around and I'm glad I could still remember which paths to take otherwise we'd be way lost trying to get back home. Anyway well we had tons of fun blah blah blah.
    Now for my day today and my thoughts. I started out with waking up really early, my sister went to the bathroom as she does everyday as soon as she wakes up but I was still...just waiting for her to leave the room. That night I had not really "stole" her mp3 player but just "borrowed" it and I was supposed to put it back but I forgot so I slept with it right next to my head ontop of my pillow. Well when she finally left the room, I quietly put the mp3 player ontop of the comfy rolled up tissue paper. SUCCESS! As soon as I did that, I forced myself to go back to sleep. When I woke up again at like 10-11, I saw that she had taken it.
    YES! She doesn't know hahahah hahehehehe ahahhahaha woooh yesss. I'm good, bow down bow down.
    Anyway for the rest of my day, I walked to the store so in my head popped up Angel. I might as well go see him. So then I did, great, awesome. I came back home and then got online and watched whatever was left of Grease. Then I sat in front of the computer just looking at stuff and there are a whole bunch of things that I find absolutely ridiculous so then right now, this minute.
    I have finally figured out what I want with myself. My heart belongs to me it will never belong to anyone else. I hate liars, I hate fake people, I HATE it when people think that they're fooling me. I hate it most when guys think that they got this in the bag. I'll be the last person that a guy will ever find possible. I never play hard to get. I AM hard to get. What's worse about having a girl like me? Having me and not my heart? Or my heart and not me? Figure that out for yourself.
    Because from this moment on, I'm doing my life. I'll figure out my future, I don't need anyone to take care of me, I can take care of my fucking self. Whether you stand by me or not, that's your whole deal. I'll just enjoy the company. I'm much more stronger than you will ever imagine. I've learned better than to believe anyone.
    You don't have to love me for real, you can find someone else or be with anyone else all you want....what makes you think I can't do the same?
    I'm not afraid of any of you trying to break my heart because once something snaps one of the vessels, I won't regret or think twice about getting back at you much harder and way worse.

I think the only difference between me and the other girls is that you're not my first. And I'll always know better.

    EDIT//
    I think I'm scary sometimes when I'm mad..........Whatever, well I'm not so mad anymore so if any of you out there think I'm horrible, mentally I am lol I wish I could do those things and I wish I knew how to hurt someone so bad. It's definitely not my thing. I really appreciate a person's life and as much as I'd like to, I'd never want to see them cry.
    And ....there's not a day that goes by without him in my mind.

    This morning before my eyes could open, I was lying on my side, and I felt the warm trickling of water falling down the side of my face. I opened my eyes and I slowly touched my face. I was crying. I had a weird dream, I felt so lonely when I woke up. I woke up so sad. I felt like my heart's been torn in two and only because the dream I had, it was the worst.
    We were at a subway, in the halls, on our way to the next ride. I felt confident in the beginning of my dream. I had him by my side, hand in hand, and I was smiling. He made me so happy. But when we walked through a crowd, I felt scared all of a sudden. My whole world started to fall apart before my eyes. Finally as I kept walking, a couple of people budged against us, eventually they parted us. I felt his fingers slip away as I looked back quickly. I saw the confused expression on his face and I suddenly felt more people parting in between as I tried to push my way back to him. Then...I could no longer see his face. I remember I looked forward and then at my hand. His face appeared and I looked back once more behind me. Even though people kept pushing me forward...I started to walk willingly on my own. But I felt the sudden rush of loneliness filling my body. I felt so alone.
    My heart started to break in front of me and I was still staring at my hand. Tears started to stream down my face, tracing jagged lines to my chin and finally fall to my hands...then everything started to fade away.
    I woke up feeling everything I just felt in my dream. I couldn't help but keep crying just a little bit more. And I find it strange because if I was awake, I would've never started to cry. I sometimes believe that I only feel any type of weakness, when I'm sleeping and forced to feel them. I cry in my sleep because I can't cry when I'm awake. I usually refuse to cry.

    I think I'll be that way for a while.

    Well awake, I went into the kitchen to get some breakfast. I didn't really tell anyone how I cried, like it was important to tell about anyway. I ate a waffle for breakfast with ice cream, whipped cream, and syrup on top. Then my morning was disturbed by my dad telling me to go outside and experience nature. I looked like someone shook me a million times and then put my upside down for 2 hours being hair dried by a blind person. So I felt the need to delay the experience until my dad took me to where the dirt was. There's this huge pile of dirt on the side of my house by my bedroom window used to level the ground better and replace the huge ditch. And on this pile of dirt I saw a poor helpless little bird.
    I had no idea what to do with it since my dad was trying to fix up over there except just pick the baby bird into my hands and take it with me.
    It was terrified at first, so terrified that it kept quiet and frozen in place. It's beak was up in the air and didn't want anything to eat or do. So I just let it stay there, give it some time to relax. My mom was scaring the crap out of it, literally until I told her to just leave it alone. When the baby bird wants to, it'll give us a sign that it's not going to ignore us all day.
    So just to keep it safe where NO ONE will step on it because leaving it on the floor so everyone can step on it didn't seem like a brilliant idea, we found a corona beer box and I cut it up to put the baby bird in. I tried to put a warm/hot water bottle in the box to keep it warm since it was trembling so much. Then I tried to make a nest out of tissue paper. It wasn't really comfortable for the bird but at least it ate the melon that I diced up for it.
    I sat there by the bird trying to shut it up until certain people who stopped by gave the bright idea of leaving it outside. I said to leave it inside.
    But eventually we finally decided to leave it outside. These BRAIN DEAD idiots thought that it'd be a great idea not to just put it outside but to put it deep in the woods with the snakes, foxes, deer, and who knows how many other predators are out there. When I found out it was hidden deep in the woods I went insane. I told them to take it out but they were so sure that it should stay there.
    Bad idea, a couple of hours later the mom bird came by finally waiting by our house ....CLOSE to wear we found the baby bird. I rushed into the woods to see if the baby bird was there. And unsurprisingly, it wasn't there. I figured it must've died. There's no way that the mom bird could've found the baby bird and flew off with it without something else finding it first.
    I felt SO guilty even though it wasn't my fault. And I felt really bad for the baby bird. I hate it when I know I can do more than what I can do and I don't.
    Whatever...I just hope that baby bird is ok wherever it is.

    So...maybe Angel's slowly healing every bruise I've ever recieved in my life, from the blows to the face by Alec to the stabs in the back by others.
    Maybe my life's problems seem like nothing compared to other's. I feel a little guilty knowing someone has suffered so much and I don't know the meaning of the word. I feel like I haven't appreciated much fully. But I appreciate him. He's made me a lot better. I wish he could understand how much I do care about him.
    He doesn't understand I don't want to talk about the bad things in my life because it's the past and it's hard for me. I think about it and I feel like I could break down and cry. Sometimes I feel like I hurt myself but of course, I will never say that I did it on my own.

Either way, I still feel like as my lips begin to part as I speak the sorrow truth of my heart my tongue just gets tied and I feel if I'd speak I'd choke until I die.
   
    My heart is still not ready to say how badly hurt I've been and how stubborn I am to not even hate these people. In ways unknown, I still often believe I'd rather move on with my life than truly harm them. I could never. You see, you don't understand when you're in my position, holding so much anger inside of you and not being able to act upon it because you know no matter how dark your heart can become, you still haven't had the slightest bit of hatred to truly ruin someone.
    I have the power to do whatever I like to fuck with these people. But I know where I stand and I know if they say something nice to my face or ask for a favor, I couldn't reject them so badly...I just try my hardest to be nice back. I really couldn't hold a grudge to save my life.
    But I don't find it to be in my position to apologize at all. I know who I am and how I am, I couldn't hurt so much as an ant that has a family invading my home. No matter how hurt or torn I've been, all that's been lost is my trust, my love, and my effort with them.
    It's idiocracy when you continue to fight for a lost cause. If you let it go and it comes back then it's true if it doesn't then you know. I love everything that's happened in my life. I try my hardest to continue to appreciate and be grateful with my life. Well, my life is my book and I'm the author. I make it the way I want it to be.
    Also....I hope no one thinks I'm an angel like everyone else thinks they are.
    I promise you, I can be evil. You just have no idea.

    It's that or not. That's something that people don't entirely understand about me. I hope that when you look at me you think I'm snobby, stuck up, conceited. It proves the theory of a human unable to coincide properly with others in a friendly way.
    And we won't be friends because that's what I find extremely interesting about people. No idea why but that's just it. But, if you spend your time trying to get to know me...understanding my life, you'll know who I am but you'll never figure me out.
   
    But anyway my day today so far. I'm sitting here alone at home while it's a pretty sunny day outside and it's still late morning. The television is on and I'm not even watching it. For some reason everyone in this house wastes energy for no apparent reason, maybe I'll turn it off later. Well anyway I'm supposed to be hanging out with my boyfriend today...hopefully. I miss him so much. I haven't had him hold me or kiss me for such a long time, I think I'm going crazy without his affection.
    On the outside, however, I try really hard not to let anyone see that. Ha I call it a weakness when a woman needs a man. It truly is weakness. And for the record, I don't need my boyfriend, I love him. A woman is supposed to be able to live for herself and be able to maintain a relationship by giving her heart to him.
    Oops going off subject. Anyway I miss him : ) I hope to see him soon. Also just because I love him doesn't mean I've forgotten my life, I haven't. I most of all haven't forgotten you but trust me, days will go by as nights start to disappear and so will those memories.

    EDIT//
    When people say that trust must be given and such. It is....you misunderstand that concept obviously if you believe that it should be given. Apparently you know nothing about that subject. I, however, know perfectly well. I have given away my trust willingly to many, trusting them not to go completely near me and trusting them not to hurt me. Most people break that trust and that's when trust is gone. As for love, no one runs out of love no matter what they do or say. A heart is a heart and it feels. My heart is here and his is there too. They'll always beat for each other somehow in it's own silent retrospection.
    But you misunderstand completely. Everyone gives everything away to people without even realizing it but they don't give too much away. And when someone has abused it, we take it all back and give no more. It makes a fool out of someone who continues to love someone who'll abuse it until death. It makes that kind of relationship tragic. Get used to it because it's the truth. If you don't want to hear it then go in your closet and sit there for a good 5 hours and come out and you can call it even with reality.

I suppose that break didn't last that long at all. I live a happy life I'll admit. Maybe it's not as happy as I hoped it'd be. I'll forever be miserable because I'll forever be yearning for a passionate form of euphoria which I'll probably never reach. One, because I'm reaching for it. Why not be happy now? It makes a lot of sense, it makes sense when someone says, "I'll be happy when I get married." Then comes, "I'll be happy when I have kids." Then, "Ughh I can't wait until they're old enough to do what they can." Then comes, "Now I wish they'd be young again." Then finally realize when you're old and gray that [you'd] want to be younger.
    You see, we'll never find satisfaction if we don't find satisfaction in ourselves. I haven't come up with this theory at all, ladies and gentlemen before you start exploding at me or jumping down my throat about your opinions (as most of you do, I'm almost sure) but from someone else who's got a lot more experience in life than I ever will.
    But I'm not intending to be perfect nor intending to find so much happiness from someone else. I'm just intending to live, be imperfect, and just experience as much as I can. I have to live for myself because trying to make someone else happy in ways you know you can't will just never satisfy you.
    I find happiness in someone who finds happiness in me, without effort. That's what we call something special. A relationship so adequate that it'd be able to last a lifetime. Okay not really sure what my point is in this blog but it's here.
    What makes someone an angry, sad, happy, beautiful, lonely person makes a person real. I know I'm alive if I can feel pain, if I can feel happiness, if I can feel anger. I know there's something about my soul in me that burns so much that it won't go out without a true fight. And there is a fire....I promise it won't burn out. I promise that. It'll always flame brightly in my soul and I'll show it.
    World peace cannot come. Everyone has their own opinions, someone's bound to have the worst of the worst. World peace will almost be unachievable. Someone's going to be an asshole and then ruin everything. Then everyone else is going to be an asshole. There we go. And so comes to the theory that being real without being so disgusting makes a person but it makes a monster out of someone who overwhelmes society with so much negativity.
    And everyone grows up at one point, it will hit you one day that no matter how strong you are, you can fall. But it ONLY, ONLY means that you've climbed high enough to hit the ground so hard. When you know better, you'll know that there is bad out there, really bad but you'll accept it along with the good. Otherwise you're in complete denial and still have a long way to go. I find that a true belief. That I will be strong for me and my family (where some friends are considered as family). I'm like the younger sister that can take care of her damn self in almost every family. I don't need anyone to watch over me.
    I just need someone to hold my hand while I'm walking down the path that I am. If it is right, if it is wrong....it is what it is and it's mine. I'm that much of an idealist.

    I'm that person, I have that big stick but I walk with a smile on my face not pushing anyone at all. I have those muscles but I skip with a flower in my hand. That's the type of person I am. I've lived an independent life...this is how I survive.
   
    When you've had real experience, not the baby shit then you'll understand, otherwise if you don't get it, don't act like you do. You definitely don't.